“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.