Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
You Might Also Like
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
want me to check your oil?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.