Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
reminder
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything