@TheBoydP

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

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@SocialOutcast82

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

@starsnbars7

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

@spinereader

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

@AnkCoupleTO

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

@RidiculousSheri

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

@Rollmaninoz

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

@dril

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest