Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
stand with me against insufficient seating
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.