Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
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that’s really how it is
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan