Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
You Might Also Like
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Just how popey was the pope today?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien