Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
it must be school picture day
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all