Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
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You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool