Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Sex so good you see dead people.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged