Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.