Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
he’s doing your taxes
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.