Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.