@GrahamKritzer

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

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@ginnyhogan_

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

@TribalSpaceCat

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

@donni

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

@kimwilliamz

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

@TragicAllyHere

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@justabloodygame

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

@TheHyyyype

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)