@ginnyhogan_ barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
@GrahamKritzer Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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@ginnyhogan_ 
@slimmy_shady A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
@joeljeffrey Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
@TribalSpaceCat [stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
@donni Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
@kimwilliamz There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
@TragicAllyHere Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
@longwall26 I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
@justabloodygame “I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
@TheHyyyype CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)