Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’


Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.


[stop light]
It will turn green in
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.


Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee


There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁


Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold


I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.


“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.


CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)