Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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Well, that didn’t work.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
me opening up to someone
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.