Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
There’s always that one guy
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti