Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross