today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
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I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.