Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
prepare for carbonated trouble
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Doctors texting each other.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)