Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY