today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Happens to everyone.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that