Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Bond. Trauma bond.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me if I was a dog
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato