Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.