@AmyNoMiddleNam3

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

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@TheOneTrueDisco

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

@trishimal25

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

@LloBrow

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

@nachoaverageRN

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

@iamburtjarvis

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

@joejwest

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

@Smooheed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

@onion_an

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?