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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?