@AmyNoMiddleNam3

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

You Might Also Like

@Jerk_Martin

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

@runningamok87

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

@Gorrdano

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

@terrip38

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@MissyMooMorris

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

@EliTerry

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

@ch000ch

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions