@AmyNoMiddleNam3
@Jerk_Martin “Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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@Jerk_Martin 
@runningamok87 Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
@Gorrdano Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
@TheAlexNevil Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
@little_hansel What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
@terrip38 Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
@EasilyTempted If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
@MissyMooMorris One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
@EliTerry you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
@ch000ch got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions