Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine