Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
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A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.