Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again