Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

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“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.


I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.


*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*


I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.


I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.


A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…


Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever


Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.


You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.


ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.