Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
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Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
fr
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.