Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I love you to the refrigerator and back
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.