Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
You are what you delete.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.