Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”