Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
When you kidnap a writer.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.