Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.