Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
It’s the weekend y’all
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
The little toadstool has spoken.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud