Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Taco Bell, Exit 22
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.