Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.