Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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ME (calling my horse with no name):
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
As the Lord intended
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”