Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
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I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Dammit Chief not again
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.