Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
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*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Netflix: We have Less
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell