Today’s tshirt
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Imma just leave this here…………
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Rude much 😂😂😂
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Sorry. Not sorry
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.