Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Don’t frighten the programmers!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.