@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

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@Brianhopecomedy

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

@primawesome

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@JasonLastname

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

@AllanForsyth

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

@slimmy_shady

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@slyoung5

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.