“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*