Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Saw online –
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!