toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
nyc:
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
bias laundering edition
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.