toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH