Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*