Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.