Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out


The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.


Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.


BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.


I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.


My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.


Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.


[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?


Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.


Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.