@LurkAtHomeMom

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

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@TheBoydP

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@Maxine12333

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

@jonnysun

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

@Shade510

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

@DadandBuried

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@Tbone7219

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

@ArfMeasures

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

@brennadine

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.