Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
You Might Also Like
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
just having fun
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there