toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
You Might Also Like
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Do not steal food from the science building!
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”