toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare