Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup